Separation anxiety first appears in infants around 8 to 10 months of age. It can persist for a long time, with peaks occurring at 12, 18, and 24 months. It is most commonly associated with periods of sleep regression. Separation anxiety is a natural milestone in a child’s life, and as parents, we can help our child cope with this anxiety.
How Does Separation Anxiety Manifest?
Separation anxiety means fear of separation. From birth, the child is primarily connected to their mother. At a certain stage, the child begins to mentally mature and becomes aware of separation. During the day, the child may be nervous and fussy. They cry if they lose sight of you, even for a moment. Over time, the child learns that the mother will return when she goes to the bathroom and that she exists even when she is out of sight.
During this process of separation anxiety, the child sensitively and tearfully reacts, particularly when the mother distances herself. One of the child’s favorite activities during this period is playing “zipper.” The child is reluctant to move away from the mother, showing a strong element of attachment.
Separation anxiety also affects sleep. The child may suddenly start crying while falling asleep, repeatedly standing up in the crib (around 8 to 10 months), waking frequently at night, and daily naps may shorten or be entirely rejected by the child.
How to Help Your Child Reduce Separation Anxiety
Play Peek-a-Boo with Your Child
During playtime in the crib or in different parts of the house, hide behind nearby furniture (like a bed or couch) for a few seconds and say, “Where’s Mommy?… Here’s Mommy!” or “Peek-a-boo!” Your child needs to understand that even when they can’t see you, you haven’t gone away forever and will return.
Hide Toys Under a Blanket
This teaches the concept that things still exist even when they are out of sight. Hide a favorite toy or teether under a blanket in front of your child and encourage them to lift the blanket to find the toy.
Act Out Separation Scenarios with Toys
Use stuffed animals, toy cars, or dolls to act out a scenario where the “mommy” toy leaves for a while and then returns to her baby. This models separation for your child and shows them that it’s okay because Mommy will come back.
Teach Your Child That Others Can Be Loving Too
It’s beneficial for children to spend time alone with others, such as their father, grandmother, etc. It’s important for them to learn that when you leave, you will always come back and that other people can also be loving and trustworthy.
Practice Short Separations
Sometimes, a mother needs to leave the house for an appointment, to go shopping, or to work without her child. Separation during periods of anxiety can be easier if the child is used to being with someone else. Here’s how you can “train” short separations:
- Start practicing short separations before the child’s separation anxiety peaks.
- Leave the child with the same person each time.
- Begin with shorter separations and gradually increase the time so the child better understands that you will return.
- The child handles separation better when they are fed and rested, as they are less anxious and more willing to let you go.
- Avoid sneaking away from your child; it can damage trust and the relationship between you and your child. How can they know you won’t leave secretly again?
- Create a farewell ritual.
- If you need to go somewhere, try to leave the child in a familiar environment.
- Don’t prolong your departure or the farewell.
Children who don’t watch fear-inducing programs or read frightening books tend to handle separation anxiety better and are less fearful. Encourage older children to do tasks they can handle on their own, like eating and dressing, without your help. You can’t skip or speed up separation anxiety. It’s important to anticipate it and prepare for the fact that during this period, your child will need your attention, will want to be close to you, and will require your presence, hugs, and reassurance that you are there for them.